“Though He Slay me; I will hope in Him”

Job 13:15a

HEALING and GROWTH.

Everyday for the last five months have been nothing short of a battle. It is hard to believe that is has even been five months since the deaths of my father and younger brother. It still feels surreal. I am in still in unbelief. I find myself waking daily and thinking that they will call me, but only come to the reality that they will not. Along with their deaths, doubt, fear, and worrying have constantly bombarded me. Doubts about my salvation and redemption creep into my thoughts and at times smoother me. The fear of death came as they both died and the question of, “am I saved?” haunted me for five months. I am thankful that the Lord placed that upon my heart. I am thankful that He brought me into reality because I must confess, I wasn’t thinking about it and was rather lazy in mind and deed. Through tragedy the Lord awakened me to the question of my salvation. What worried more was that I was not like some who can remember the date and time, what they were doing when they were saved.

I do not have one of those stories. I grew up in a church for a short period of time and I like many raised my hand and walked the aisle. I said a prayer and had my Scofield Bible signed. Sadly, there was no salvation in my life at the time, just emotions and feelings. I sinned so grievously when I was in the military. I even played the hypocrite by carrying a Bible and occasionally going to a church service. I was giving lip service to the Lord rather than heart service. This went on for years. Recently, I doubted I was saved when I was living in Tulsa, Oklahoma. After all, I struggled with sexual sins of the mind during that time and I would stand and teach HIs Word in a pulpit. I am ashamed and laid with guilt just thinking about it. I hated that I sinned and was in habitual sin at the time.

Fast forward to now. Daily I am in tears with the Lord, confessing to Him all that I did. Daily I am saddened by the sins that I committed before His sight. He used the death of my dad and my brother to wake me up. Daily I struggle with doubts, but we do don’t we. I am not worthy. I am worthy of hell and damnation. I will say though I hate having anxiety, depression, and fear is that they push me to Christ every single hour and every single day. I have daily prayed the Lord to take them away, but if his will to keep them in my life to keep me close to Him, then so be it. I am reminded of just how weak I am and I how much I need Him. I am often scared that I have sinned too much, but my wife reminded me that His grace outweighs all my sins.

I am thankful for the abundance of prayers that you have all given for me in dealing with all this. The days are getting better, though it is slow and I imagine that it will be, but I am thankful for the God of all grace. I am thankful to the Lord Jesus Christ who is willing touch a leper as is myself. He is always willing.

Though He slay me, I will hope in Him.

Coram Deo,

Stephen J. Melniszyn