2 Years

To have had a brother is to have experienced an extraordinary gift.

-Unknown

It is uncanny and surreal that my younger brother, William passed away two years ago on February 7th of 2021 at 4:40pm. Even though it has been two years, the memory of that day remains ever so fresh in my mind’s eye. It was a sunny afternoon here in Florida and the sun was setting on the Lord’s Day. I sat in bed and decided to call the hospital in New York to see how he was doing that day. A woman picked up and I stated who I was and that was looking for a status update on how my brother was doing. She sounded distressed and in the background I could here alarms going off. She stated she would call me back and thus hung up.

It was 4:40 pm, only a few minutes, maybe seconds later when my cell phone buzzed. I looked down to see that it was the hospital calling me back. I was expecting the same nurse, but this time it was a female doctor that was calling me. As she started to speak, the alarms in the background remained pinging loudly. She proceeded to say to me that we are working on your brother at this time as his heart had stopped and went in cardiac arrest. It was then that I realized, those alarms were for my brother. She explained that had been working on reviving him for 5 minutes and warned me that if they got his heart started, he would be brain dead due to his brain slipping onto his spine (till this day I have never received an explanation as to how and why that happened). She then told me she had to head back to his room and said she would call me back.

My heart sunk to the lower pits of despair. It didn’t take but lest than 5 minutes and she called back with the news I dreaded. All attempts were made, but they could not save him. He had slipped into the outer bonds of eternity at 35 years old, a day after his birthday. I dropped my phone and left the bedroom, finding myself collapse on the outdoor porch in the back yard. The tears flowed and the pain intense. The pain had now doubled. Prior to the death of my younger brother, my Father passed away a few weeks earlier on Jan 16th. Grief and pain doubled me over. My breath was taken away from me. The reality now hit that all of my biological family was now gone as my mother passed in 2002 of cancer. I was the last of my blood family.

My wife and myself drove to New York a few days later and met up with my Step Mother. There we enter the apartment where they lived and I remember so vividly walking into my brothers room. It was empty and cold. On the floor lied all his sneakers and behind me was his bed, made, ready for him to come home from the hospital. He never came home. I must of sat in his room for hours, in tears just looking at his things, but it was the emptiness of his presence that hit me the hardest. We stayed for a week. I gathered some of his things to bring back home, things of memory.

Prior to his hospital entry, I was able to speak with him a few weeks prior when our Dad died. I said to him on our last phone call that I loved him so much and wanted to see him and that was it. The last time I saw my brother in person was over 11 years ago before I for Oklahoma.

Now, it has been two years and it remains fresh in my memory. In the past two years, I have never stopped thinking and the ignition of memories from our childhood started to enter my mind. From his birth to our constant picking on each other. We were brothers by blood. I was the oldest as he was the younger by ten years. Yet, he displayed mature wisdom at his age as he went through a lot of things when my parents divorced. Even now, there are things that will never know about him, but one thing I know is that loved him without measure.

You always believe that as the older brother, you will pass from this life first, not the other way around. The loss of my father and then my brother devastated me to no other end. Following their deaths, I went through constant anxity and panic attacks. I even admitted myself to the VA Mental Clinic for a weak due to suicidal thoughts that were haunting my mind at the time. I went through nightmarish thoughts of my salvation and hell. I was doubting my salvation so badly that even while I was driving would break down in tears at a stoplight. I would have to compose myself to keep going.

Nights were filled the thoughts that my brother died alone in a cold room with no family around him, just foreign people dressed in space suits. He was alone. I believe that upon his entrance into the hospital, he thought he would be in and out, but that as not the case. I remember the rainy, cold, damp winters day I went to the hospital to pick up his wallet and keys. They were placed into a small zip lock bag and handed over to me. I exited the hospital and entered the cold air of the street looking down in my hands. I wished that was exiting the hospital with my brother and helping him recover through days of therapy, but that was not case.

When were watching the news, we saw many family members who lose their loved ones. Even they were not allowed to see their loved ones. They too were locked out, never to hold their beloved hands, wipe the brow of their head, or place on final kiss on their forehead. That wast the hardest part of the whole thing. I must confess that we were treated badly by the staff of the hospital. The only communication was via facetime through an ipad. I am thankful that it was my step mom who spoke with him because I believe I could not take seeing him hooked up all those wires and breathing tubes and the ventilator. He was drugged up and the only way he communicated to my step mom was through a thumbs up.

The pain remains. The anger remains. I know that one day according to the Scriptures that God will exact His vengeance on this government that caused all of this. I have remind myself daily of this, though I still have anger about the whole event and how people were treated and alienated. Families were torn apart. Lives were lost.

My brother William was the type of guy that would help you out in an instance, without reserve. He wore his heart on his sleeve. He loved comics, the Japanese culture, and most importantly, Godzilla. He was creative when it came to photography and writing. He was my younger brother. He was and is still loved. He is missed and daily grieved. There are two empty chairs that exist in my life. A void that can not be filled. What gets me by are the memories of our life together and. I am thankful to the Lord for the time He allowed me to have with him.

I have to send a shot out to Mike Abendroth of No Compromise radio for getting me through the darkest parts of that time. I am grateful for his encouragement and teaching that helped me. I am also thankful to our church family that surrounded me when I needed it.

To you my Dearest Readers, I know that some of you out there have probably lost your sibling or a family member to covid or to something else. I know that it is not easy and though the years pass us by the, the void of their loss remains. There is Hope beyond Hope and His name is Jesus Christ is the Great Comforter in these dark times of loss and grief.

If you have lost someone during the pandemic, feel free to share, I am here to listen.

Though they may be gone, we carry their memory in our hearts and minds.

Lastly,

Dear William, my beloved little brother, I love you and miss your deeply and tomorrow is your birthday. You will be on my mind tomorrow and I will wish you a happy birthday and my day will be filled with our many memories we had together. Thank you for being my brother. For being there when I needed you. You will not be forgotten. You will always be loved.

Love,

Your Older Brother,

Stephen.

Soli Deo Gloria!