I knew something of Augustine when I was younger, but when I attended Reformation Bible College, I was able to learn more about him. We were required to read his his book called, Confessions. I was not much of a reader at the time as when I was younger I did not like to read. I was dreading the assignment and myself for that fact. As I got older, I was now training myself to love to read and going back to college was a real challenge for me, but a good challenge.

This is going to be boring, I thought. I mean I was always a bad reader and this assignment was going to earn me a a big fact “F” I thought. So, I sat myself down and forced myself to read and engage this book. Well, the more that I read that more that I started to relate to Augustine. It was weird how so some aspects of his life mirrored mine.

Like that of Augustine, I ran away from God. I knew of God. I knew the scriptures and ran away as I wanted to have the pleasureful things of the world. Yet, the more that I did the things of the world, the more I felt unfulfilled by what I did. There was but a short burst of happiness in what I did. The sin I committed promised me so many things, but only brought forth more unhappiness, the thirst and hunger for more sin, and finally the repercussions of those sins that I committed.

I was a vessel of emptiness. On the outside I smiled and seemed happy, but inside I was dead and held down by the chains of my sin like Marley in A Christmas Carol. The more that I read of Augustine’s Confessions, the more I saw of myself.

What made this even more heavy with conviction was that I carried the name of a Christian. At least on the outside. I proclaimed and tweeted the Word, yet I was stuck in habitual sin. I said all the right things, but I lived contrary to what I taught. I was taught by some good men in the ministry, yet I coveted the applause and sought the acclaim of one who teaches. I preached one thing, yet in my private life did the other.

Five years ago, the Lord shattered my world. He got my attention. He awakened me to my senses. Crushed with loss, grief and conviction. The Lord used the deaths of my dad and brother to awaken my heart from the sleep that I was in. Everything stopped in my life and I was asking myself, am I next to die? The month before their deaths, I had covid. So,I was not sleeping. I had nightmares of hell. Boulders of doubts fell upon me. I even thought I was going crazy that I self admitted to the Veterans Hospital for a few days. At every stop light I started to break down in tears. I lost a significant amount of weight and even had thoughts of suicide at one point.

I was buried in grief, sorrow and thoughts of eternity weighed upon me with such force that it was hard for me to operate during the day and night. Yet, through it all, the Lord in His mercy and grace placed before some men in my life, who helped and guided me biblically through this hurricane. They covered me in the Gospel. It was as if the weight lifted off me and the clouds of darkness went away and the rays of the Son started to pierce through. Though the weight of grief and loss were there through many days an months, the Lord used these moments of tears and anguish to get my attention and bring me the reality of my soul and heart before Him.

So, Augustine’s confessions mean a lot more to me now than it did before. The Lord saved me later in my life, in my forties to be precise. He placed people in my life that prayed for me, just like Augustine’s mother did fervently daily for him. I am thankful for such men as Dr. Aquila, Mike Abendroth, Darrell B. Harrison, the faculty of RBC and my wife especially, who was there every night with me, praying with me and for me as my tears drenched the sheets and pillow.

It has taken me awhile to sit and write this. I have thought it about for years and then suddenly tonight I felt compelled to write this and share this confession with you. Never stop praying for the one you love and never think that you are too old for the Lord to use you. Don’t wait. The Throne of Grace is there and the invitation is present. Don’t hesitate. As the writer of Hebrews states in Hebrews 3:7:

“Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts….”

Grace Be With You,

STEPHEN J.M.